Jason is the son-in-law of my friend Amma. The husband of my friend Lucas. He died on the second day of August last year after a tragic, freak accident, and his death literally changed my life.... I'm not sure anybody really understands how much. I wrote the following as a comment on one of Amma's recent blog posts at Tribe.net, and then decided I wanted to have it here, too.
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On Saturday I "broke the rules" and had a swim workout the day before a race. I needed to expend some energy and use the rhythmic motions to zone out and process everything that's happened in this past year... everything that began when Jason died, and swimming was the least stressful of the three for the job. I've said this before, but pretty much everything I've done since then has been a direct result of the messages I received loud and clear in the wake of Jason's death.
We have to live life like there is no tomorrow... not in fear but with joy and a mindfulness of all of the gifts we receive and have the opportunity to give, if we'll do it. We need to savor everything. It almost seems paradoxical to say "move slowly, savor everything, live mindfully," at the same time as, "live like there is no tomorrow!" Haste is not the answer. Rushing doesn't slow things down. Nothing slows down the inevitable, but slowing down means you see everything between here and there.
Yes, I made last year's resolution and planned my trip to Madrid before Jason died, but I lived the trip so differently than I would have otherwise. For this year's resolutions, I decided to take some chances I normally would not take. Risked some things that I would hate to lose. But in doing so I stretched my horizons and have turned into a more patient, more accessible person. I live with much less fear and far more faith that things will find their right place eventually.
When I signed up [last winter] for the race I participated in last Sunday, I honestly did not make the connection that it would be the day after the anniversary of Jason's death. But it was oh, so fitting to have him on my mind. The gifts he's given me this year I can never repay, but I am so grateful for them.
