Maybe that's why I feel the way I do. It's my annual struggle against the inevitable. I used to like autumn the best of all the seasons, but for the second year straight, that is no longer so. When autumn comes I feel like there is still so much I want to do and haven't done, and now the year is coming to a close. I'm not ready to harvest, and yet it's time to harvest. So, a lot of what I refuse to conclude begins to rot.Maybe harvesting is too much work. Maybe I'm just lazy. Or maybe I think what I've done isn't worth harvesting.
Maybe these metaphors are too much!
Robin, my 16 year old son is quite a wordsmith. He has a book for school that is meant to be used as a vocabulary builder. Reading it is very much like reading a dictionary. (The nut doesn't fall far from the tree. One of my favorite pastimes is reading the Spanish dictionary to improve my vocabulary.)
Robin told me yesterday that I am an "ambivert." I hadn't heard that word before, but it's easy to see what it means. I thought maybe he had made it up, but in fact he discovered it in that book.
He went deeper. He pretty much nailed my personality. "You want to be an extrovert, but it's very difficult for you. When you appear extroverted, it's almost forced." (the "almost" was not necessary... it *is* usually forced.) He said being an ambivert, someone who is extroverted part of the time and introverted part of the time is very normal, but that my situation is a bit more complicated than that.
He continued by saying that I am extremely self-critical. Even when I accomplish something, I can usually find something to criticize about it. After a social encounter, I often regret something I may have said or done that could have been misunderstood. Sometimes I appear self-critical when I'm only looking ahead to improving on something I've just done, for example, in a race or in my language studies.
I am not a grumpy, difficult person. When I am out of sorts, people notice, and say "You're not your usual, bubbly self." (This happened at swim practice this week, when I was feeling a bit down over an on-going situation unrelated to this post.) But Robin sees the Me that is always there, below the bubbly surface, afraid to be antisocial, but uncomfortable in the spotlight.
One of my New Year's Resolutions was to "be more outgoing in social situations, putting my hand out and initiating conversation with total strangers," because I know, from experience, that when I do this, I meet interesting people and my life is richer. After almost a year of this, it is still uncomfortable, but I've decided, worth doing.
He went deeper. He pretty much nailed my personality. "You want to be an extrovert, but it's very difficult for you. When you appear extroverted, it's almost forced." (the "almost" was not necessary... it *is* usually forced.) He said being an ambivert, someone who is extroverted part of the time and introverted part of the time is very normal, but that my situation is a bit more complicated than that.
He continued by saying that I am extremely self-critical. Even when I accomplish something, I can usually find something to criticize about it. After a social encounter, I often regret something I may have said or done that could have been misunderstood. Sometimes I appear self-critical when I'm only looking ahead to improving on something I've just done, for example, in a race or in my language studies.
I am not a grumpy, difficult person. When I am out of sorts, people notice, and say "You're not your usual, bubbly self." (This happened at swim practice this week, when I was feeling a bit down over an on-going situation unrelated to this post.) But Robin sees the Me that is always there, below the bubbly surface, afraid to be antisocial, but uncomfortable in the spotlight.
One of my New Year's Resolutions was to "be more outgoing in social situations, putting my hand out and initiating conversation with total strangers," because I know, from experience, that when I do this, I meet interesting people and my life is richer. After almost a year of this, it is still uncomfortable, but I've decided, worth doing.
Our next conversation, Robin and I, will be about what he thinks of this... I wonder if he thinks it's worthwhile or folly to "go against one's nature." He's been a philosopher since he was three months old, sitting in his bouncy seat perfectly still, gazing around a room taking it all in. "He's very serious, isn't he?" my mother said. Indeed he is. I'll be interested to hear what he has to say.
Training and racing is still going very well. It's the one thing right now that I have any control over, and I do much of it on my own. Solitude is peace for me these days.
[Photo from weebsie's photostream at the Flickr Creative Commons.]
3 comments:
"Even when I accomplish something, I can usually find something to criticize about it. After a social encounter, I often regret something I may have said or done that could have been misunderstood. Sometimes I appear self-critical when I'm only looking ahead to improving on something I've just done(...)"
Who isn't? Really. We've created a whole overwhelming culture that almost always includes taking in drugs, booze and abuse in order to be cool and accepted, to be "understood", and do it right.
(I've just realised that booze is contained in abuse, talking about words and behaviour-reading!)
I was thinking just this morning how much I've slowed down existentially in order to catch up with all the stupidness of forced social situations. I miss being a loner. Hunter, fool and hermit.
Well, I have found immense value in meeting new people, hearing their views and comparing them - out loud - with my own, no drugs or alcohol necessary. I have to balance my need for solitude with this. If anything can point out to a person that there are many shades to everything, that life is not a matter of black & white, it's listening to other people and what motivates them. It's always inspiring. I am either inspired by their views or inspired by their dedication to their views. Either way, the humanity involved in such encounters is important to me. As the song says "...it doesn't matter who you are ... you just want somebody listening to what you say..." Everybody needs to be heard. Me included. I can't do that alone. And I can't hope to be heard if I'm not also listening.
dianeeeeee.... LOVE uuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.... ^.^
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